


You love your secrets

by mrsgreenworld



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Heartbreak, olicity angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-04 17:03:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5341754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsgreenworld/pseuds/mrsgreenworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Arrow killed me. I am angry, disappointed. That's why this fic might be a bit harsh and out of character (for Felicity). I love Oliver Queen. I love Felicity Smoak. I don't have favourites when it comes to these too. They are one. I even love them way more together than separately. But this heart cry is heavily loaded with female solidarity.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Arrow killed me. I am angry, disappointed. That's why this fic might be a bit harsh and out of character (for Felicity). I love Oliver Queen. I love Felicity Smoak. I don't have favourites when it comes to these too. They are one. I even love them way more together than separately. But this heart cry is heavily loaded with female solidarity.

 

In the end he doesn't even know how she finds out. But it's her after all so he isn't all that surprised. All he knows is that one day when he enters their home he sees his biggest fear come to life. He almost collides with her. Her and her small trolley bag.

 _'Hey. What's going on? You have a business trip? How long is it? When are you coming back?'_ he wouldn't be able to stop the nervous avalanche of questions even if he wanted.

 _'No, Oliver, it's not a business trip. I'll send for the rest of my stuff later'_ she answers in a quiet and deadly calm voice.

 _'W-what?...'_ that's all he manages to breathe out.

He knows what this is about, he understands perfectly well what's happening. He just doesn't want to believe it.

_'Okay, okay. Let's just talk. Can we, please, talk about this? Just let me explain everything to you. I can explain everything'_

_'You had your time, Oliver. You could have told and explained everything when I first asked you what was going on with you. But you chose to stay silent and keep this from me_ _**for weeks.** _ _So, that's how I find out about you having a son?! From Barry?! Barry who I had to corner about what the hell happened when we were in Central City!'_

She lets go of her suitcase and hugs herself, tightening her arms around her middle as if shileding herself from him.

 _'I thought that the times when you processed and dealt with something that life-altering alone were long gone. I thought we agreed that we do things, we process things_ _**together** _ _...'_

 _'We do! Of course, we do! I just... I needed some time...'_ he tries desperately and makes an attempt to come closer to her but she takes a step back.

 _'Time to do what exactly? Oh my God, Oliver, I told you that we were a team and I was ready to face_ _**anything** _ _with you... And you looked me in the eye and..._ _**lied** _ _. You think I wouldn't have accepted or understood this? You think the first time I found out I walked away because of you having a son?! Yes, Barry told me about that too. Don't you know or trust me at all? I bet my life that before Barry went back in time and changed everything you had made the same choice, Oliver. You had kept this from me then. And you've made the same choice again now. So, I guess, I was wrong. About_ _**everything** _ _. About_ _**us** _ _. When I thought we were_ _**partners** _ _. When I thought that you_ _**trusted** _ _and..._ _**loved** _ _me. There's_ _**nothing** _ _you love more than your secrets'_

The words that leave her mouth cut him, burn him alive. They are cruel but true. She is right. She is always right. He has been so blinded by the fear of losing her... that in the end it is the very thing that is taking her away from him.

And then he feels it. The last nail in his coffin. The coolness of a small metal object pressed into his palm.

Air around him shifts and she is gone.

He looks at the object he is holding in his hand. An engagement ring.

This is when his knees buckle and he drops to the floor.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It started as one-shot. But it turns out that I haven't got everything out. Maybe it's a bit too much, maybe it's too out of character from both of their parts. But it's something that I had to write. Just to stay sane. Just to let off some steam. In order not to give up on Oliver.

 

It's been weeks. Weeks since he last saw her. When she left him wallowing in his misery, drowning in the ramifications of his own choices. Alone.

Oh God... He is so utterly alone. He is so lost. He is so cold... without her.

She decided to cut him off completely. She moved out. The next day a truck was sent for the rest of her stuff. In less than an hour all the traces of her, of their life together were gone.

She never shows up at the Foundry these days. Oh, she hasn't given up on what they are doing, on the Team. She talked everything out with Digg and arranged everything so she can help the team distantly. She never told Digg about what had happened between them. Except that **_'it just didn't work out, we were not supposed to be after all'_** (that's exactly how John quoted her, but of course John Diggle was not a fool and wasn't having any of this bullshit, even though he never pushed him into telling what the hell was really going on).

After a while he found out that Thea and Laurel had been both visiting her at Palmer Tech trying to get a hang of hacking and other computer stuff. It started to look like she had been arranging a replacement.

That's when he decided to act. He tried to be patient and respect the distance, the boundaries. But he couldn't accept this. Her absence. Her walking out and leaving him behind. Her giving up on him. Her not loving him anymore.

That's how he ended up here.

He is standing before a glass door leading to her office. He's rooted to the floor. Because through the glass door in front of him he sees her and this is the first time he's seen her in weeks.

He allows himself to have this moment – before she spots him – to just watch her, to drink her in, to memorize her. The look of concentration on her face, her crinkled eyebrows, the long lashes behind the familiar glasses, her full lips painted bright red, the same shade on her nails.

She stands up from her chair, her eyes never leaving the files she holds in her hands. This is his cue to silently push the door and enter.

_“I know, I know, Jerry... I am ready and was going to drop this by your office”_

God, her voice...

 _“Just let me...”_ the rest of the sentence dies down when she lifts her gaze and sees him.

Her whole posture changes immediately. She raises her chip defiantly, squares her shoulders.

_“To what do I owe the pleasure?”_

His blood freezes at her formal tone and the sound of her voice.

_“Well, I... I just thought... It's been a couple of weeks already... more than a couple actually... I just... Maybe... Can we talk?”_

Oh, god. He babbles. Just like her. Like she used to.

_“Talk? I'm sorry, I don't think we have anything to talk about”_

_“Felicity, please...”_

_“I'm sorry, Mr. Queen, but if that's all you need, I'm afraid I cannot help you. And I have an important meeting. So, it's better if you leave”_

He just nods numbly. Then he nervously rummages through his pocket.

_“I'll leave, I just... I want to give this back to you. It's yours”_

He doesn't really understand what it is he's doing at the moment. But he extends his hand with a small and lonesome – just like he is – ring. Her engagement ring.

She flinches.

_“It's not mine. It's your mother's”_

She drops her gaze and starts rearranging files on her desk.

_“You should keep it. It's Queen heirloom. Might as well come in handy in the future. You can give it to whatever-her-name-is. If you think about it, you will actually make quite a couple. A manipulator and a liar”_

He feels like she's just slapped him. No, punched. And even punch would be too mild.

He squeezes his eyes shut and his next words come out as a broken whisper:

_“Please, don't do this... Please, let me fix this. Don't... don't give up on me... on us”_

_“There is no us. And the door is behind you”_

When a hot tear slips down his cheek he has only one thought. He had no idea she could be cruel.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My angry and desperate one-shot has grown into multichapter fic. This is definitely something that is not going to happen on the show. And I'm pretty sure I don't want it to (right now I'm just STILL SUPER MAD). It's still out of character on Felicity's part. She wouldn't do any of this. Because she is the best. But I don't want her to be defined by her love for Oliver. She's so much more. And she can survive and find happiness without him.  
> P.S. Oliver is a bit out of character here too.

Just before she disappeared she had been in their new Foundry. She had left the papers. She had signed the company off to him. She had returned his family's legacy. There was a note attached: _“A future wedding gift. Or let it be a surprise for a family anniversary. This way your family will have everything they need”._

His family. _**She**_ was his family...

He stopped visiting William shortly after losing her. He just couldn't. And with everything that was going on with Darhk... He started to fall apart. And when he reached his breaking point she was suddenly back. She returned for Darhk's final takedown. Her presence was enough to give him the necessary push, to give the strength he needed to defeat their enemy.

Elated by their victory he thought that everything was going to be okay, that things were looking up for him. He should have known better.

Before she left him again they actually talked. Or more like it was her talking. She gave him a piece of her mind about William. He manned up and took legal action in order to gain the right to see his son. Having the company with all its money finally paid off.

After that it was quiet for almost a year and a half. It was quiet in the city that once again had managed to recover after another blow. He had appointed Curtis to be the acting CEO at Palmer Tech (that had actually been rebranded yet again, now bearing the name Queen Incorporated). As for him... he was elected as a mayor.

The peace and quiet that have found their residence now in Star City are foreign to him. Because he doesn't have her. He doesn't know where she is. She has made sure to disappear so that it's impossible for anyone to find her.

He has his son now but it's not the same. He will grow up all too soon and will start building his own life, writing his own story.

He still lives in once Thea's loft. There are still pictures from their summer road trip everywhere around the place. He's even printed out more photos, placing them almost on every flat surface and hanging a dozen of them on the fridge and tucking them into mirror frames in their bedroom and bathroom. He still thinks of the bedroom and the place in general as _**theirs**_. He sleeps on his side of the bed, leaving hers vacant and waiting for her. He is lucky to have at least one thing of hers, probably left in a hurry, that he keeps in his nightstand. A bottle of her perfume. Her scent. Sometimes he sprinkles a tiny bit of it on her pillow and hugs it, burrowing his face in it. He falls asleep inhaling her scent. When his brain is fogged enough with sleep it's easy to imagine that he's inhaling _**her**_...

After 18 month of being practically out of any night job, he receives a phone call from Thea:

“ _We've got a problem”_

That's when their problems begin. A new Big Bad. It seems like they have a special thing for Star City. But this villain is different from all the ones they've faced. He never reveals himself. He strikes fast and hard. He leaves no traces. He is a genius. And they have no idea what he wants. Until one day he leaves a message in an old abandoned warehouse: _**“Bring me her”**_. That night he gets into a trap. He actually thinks _**that's it**_ when the building blows up with him still inside.

But instead he wakes up. In a hospital. Everything is blurry and his head is heavy and there is a strange noise in his ears. And when he turns his head he's pretty sure that he's hallucinating. Because he sees her. But at the same time it's not really her. Because she doesn't have her regular ponytail and her hair is not even blond. The woman with short and slightly curly chestnut hair looks at him with _**green**_ eyes and says in _**her**_ voice:

“ _Welcome back”_

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: While writing something, even if it's just for yourself, eventually you start craving feedback. So, thank you-thank you-thank you for reading and commenting this story that was not planned and started just as one-shot.  
> Today I'm ready to scream again. I come home from work, I open tumblr and see a new promo of the next episode and then I stumble upon a pic that S. Amell posted: “Chilling in Central City”. It's a cute pic with Baby Mama (I don't care that she's got a name now) and William. They look like a fucking happy family. And that is AFTER ALL THAT SHIT IN EPISODE 9. So, I'm ready to write some more brilliant, independent, gorgeous Felicity Smoak. Although there is not a lot going on in this chapter but the most interesting stuff is coming. Gird your loins, Oliver Queen!

 

He blinks. Once, then twice. He can't have heard right. That is _**her**_ voice... But how is it even possible? The woman looks like _**her**_ or at least distantly reminds _**her**_... The same full red lips. But her eyes... _**her**_ _ **s**_ were blue. Now he is being stared at by a pair of green ones. A beautiful stranger has glasses on, just like _**his Felicity**_. But these glasses are different from _**hers**_. The shape is different, they are wider and red-framed.

The stranger shifts in her seat uncomfortably.

 

“ _Hm... Oliver, do you who I am?”_

 

“ _You look like her”_ his words come out slurred like he is drunk or high.

 

And maybe he is. High on this illusion of _**her.**_

 

“ _You talk like her, look like her... but not really... mine... my Felicity was... eyes blue... and blond hair...”_

 

Damn, his words really **are** slurred. And his body feels foreign and so unbearably heavy.

 

“ _You've been in a bad accident. Digg and Roy had to bring you to a hospital, otherwise you wouldn't have made it”_

 

“ _What colour was the pen?”_ he suddenly asks. He needs to know. Needs to make sure it's _**her.**_

 

“ _What?”_ she gasps.

 

“ _Felicity was chewing on a pen when I walked into her office._ _That's when we first met. What colour was the pen?”_ he asks quietly.

 

For a couple of long, torturous minutes she just stares at him. Then she answers in a steady and calm voice, devoid of any emotion:

 

“ _It was red”_

 

Now it's his turn to gasp. His eyes fall shut and he whispers:

 

“ _Oh, God... It's you. Are you really back?”_

 

He opens his eyes to look at _**her**_ again.

 

“ _Are you really back?_

 

“ _I'm back until the team catches this guy”_

 

She doesn't say _**“we”**_. Not anymore.

 

He swallows and nods. Then he asks her in a small voice:

 

“ _Can you stay here, with me, a little longer?”_

 

He can only imagine what he must look like in this moment when he sees her eyes soften. She gives him a small smile that doesn't, however, reaches her now green eyes.

 

“ _Of course”_

 

She doesn't leave his side for the next few hours while he slips in and out of consciousness. When he wakes every now and then for a few minutes, he sees that she is reading a book that she is holding in her right hand. She is fidgeting with a chain on her neck with her left hand. The chain is hidden under her lightgray cashmere jumper, so he cannot see the pendant or if there is any.

 

When he wake up next time they are no longer alone in the room. There is Thea in a chair previously occupied by Felicity. At the window he spots Felicity and Digg talking in hushed tones. Then she moves towards the door, slipping on a black leather jacket.

 

He is pulled out of another slumber by a feeling, not by voices or noises. He feels cold and alone. As if she is far away again. When he opens his eyes he sees that he is indeed alone. There is no one in his hospital room.

 

With a grunt he pushes himself off and out of bed. He's been lying around for too long. He moves to the door and cracks it open slightly. That's when he sees his son sitting on one of hospital chairs not far from his room. The boy is desperately trying to switch on his glitching tablet. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Felicity appears at his side.

 

“ _Hey. Mind if I take a look at it?”_ she speaks in a soft voice.

 

William looks at her with suspicion and doubt.

 

“ _You know how to fix things like that?”_

 

“ _Oh, my friend, you have no idea”_

 

At that both he and William crack similar smiles.

 

It takes her two seconds and the next second she already hands the tablet back to William.

 

“ _Here. All set and working. As good as new”_

 

It takes William a couple of minutes to check everything himself just to make sure. After said couple of minutes the kid looks at Felicity in complete awe and blurts out:

 

“ _Marry me”_

 

He chuckles at that quietly at first, but then mutters to himself: _“Wait, what? How old are you, buddy?'_

 

Both Felicity and William stare at each other wide-eyed. Then Felicity smiles.

 

“ _I mean... when I grow up”_ William adds while blushing profusely.

 

Felicity laughs kindly and squeezes his shoulder.

 

“ _I'm afraid, I'm spoken for. But who knows”_

 

And with that she leaves.

 

But her words echo in his head. _**I'm spoken for.**_

 

And that gives him hope.

 

[Felicity's outfit. Piece 1](http://fashionfinder.asos.com/womens-Stella-McCartney/zips-jeans-4948287?CS=PP&outfitid=471922)

[Felicity's outfit. Piece 2](http://fashionfinder.asos.com/womens-AUTUMN-CASHMERE/Autumn-Cashmere-Womens-Jumper---Rock-3185335?CS=PP&outfitid=471922)

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: Here we go again. After 4X08 I needed to blow off my anger and disappointment. This is how this story started. And up till mid-season finale I had a lot of anger and disappointment. Then I watched 4x09 and saw Oliver and Felicity that we all fell in love with. Open and honest with each other. And I let myself forget about out of character lying to the love of your life (hello there, Oliver). But today I kind of realized that I've missed them terribly. So, I decided to rewatch all their scenes from season 4 that we've got so far. And that including 4x08. So, anger is back. And I'm ready to make Oliver Queen suffer a bit more. Deep down I still love this big stupid complicated man. I just don't like him right now and I'm not going to justify his actions. Not until he tells Felicity the truth.

 

The explosion was pretty bad. But he has been through far worse. So, he doesn't understand why he is being cooped up in this stupid hospital room. He wants and is more than ready to leave. But doctors insist on him staying at least a couple of more days. He only agrees to two more days and it's only because William is here and seems really worried and shaken up.

 

By the end of day 2 he is really starting to regret his decision. Because in these two days she hasn't come back even once. But then Thea calls and says that she cannot come and get him from the hospital and tells him that she asked _**a friend**_ to get him his clothes and give him a lift. After 20 minutes of waiting in his room together with William, who's been trying to distract him with stories from school, there is a knock on the door.

 

“ _Come in”_

 

Both he and William turn their heads to the door. And there she is. Still not really _**her**_ but it's better than nothing, so he drinks in her new personality with scruffy baggy jeans, loose Nike T-shirt and black canvas sneakers.

 

“ _Oh, hello. You know my dad?”_ William starts first.

 

“ _Em.. Yeah. We know each other. Me and your dad... we used to work together”_ she answers carefully.

 

Her response sends a pang to his heart.

 

“ _And you must be William”_ she says with a kind smile.

 

“ _Yes. And what's your name?”_ William eagerly asks.

 

“ _I'm Felicity. Your aunt asked me to come and give your dad this”_ she lifts her hand with a black duffel bag.

 

She shifts her gaze to him. He knows he is staring without even blinking and this must be unnerving judging by the way she starts shifting from one foot to another uncomfortably.

 

“ _Oh, thanks!”_ William, God bless him, jumps from his hospital bed and goes to her, taking the bag from her hands.

 

“ _And not only for this. Thanks for fixing my tablet”_

 

“ _You are welcome”_ she smiles at William and then adds:

 

“ _Why don't we give your dad some privacy and wait till he changes? We can go grab one of those hospital jellies”_

 

William nods enthusiastically ( _ **too**_ enthusiastically, if you ask him). The heart eyes that his son is making at her also don't escape his attention.

_**Great. Just great. His son is having a crush on the love of his life.** _

 

“ _We will be back in 10 minutes. I hope it's enough for you?”_ she asks him with her hand on the door knob.

 

“ _Yeah, sure”_ he answers and hurries to take the bag with clothes from his son.

 

He changes in record time after they leave. For what feels like eternity he waits for them to come back. He is growing impatient and opens the door to peek into the hallway. He sees William and Felicity at the end of the hallway, walking leisurely. William seems unable to stop talking. Felicity is listening to him attentively with a tender smile. Then she starts laughing suddenly, throwing her head back. That is Felicity he remembers. _**His**_ Felicity. And when he sees _**her**_ , he cannot help his own smile from pulling at his lips. God, he is unable to take his eyes off of her.

 

They approach his room and finally notice him in the doorway.

 

“ _Oh, you are ready”_ she remarks.

 

“ _Yeah. Cannot wait to get out of here”_

 

When they to get into Thea's car, she asks:

 

“ _Where to?”_

 

“ _The loft. You know the address”_

 

She just nods. He studies her for a second but her face doesn't give anything away.

 

What happened to her? Where has she been this whole time? The Felicity he knows, _**his**_ Felicity, was an open book. She never hid her feelings, she always spoke her mind. He could always read her mood. Now... every time he tries to read into her emotions and provoke any kind of reaction from her he is met with an impenetrable wall.

 

He is so engrossed in his thoughts that William's light tap on his shoulder takes him by surprise.

 

“ _Dad? You okay? Where did you go?”_

 

“ _I'm fine, buddy”_

 

“ _Well, we are here”_ William nods to where they are pulling into and he sees a familiar building.

 

Felicity stops the car. William climbs out and he follows. He turns only to see her still in the car. He furrows his brows and peeks into the car.

 

“ _Hey. Aren't you going to come up?”_

 

Now it's her turn to frown.

 

“ _No. I've done what Thea asked for. You are home”_

 

“ _But I thought... that... maybe we could talk?”_

 

“ _I don't think that we can talk about things that we need to talk about with William there. So, get some rest and once you are fully recovered and William has someone to watch over him, we will meet at the Foundry”_

 

Before he can object she starts the car and he is forced to step away and shut the car's door.

 

“ _Well, that went well...”_ he mutters disappointedly.

 

[Felicity's Outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=185363267)

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas, Happy New 2016! May this new year be the happiest, the luckiest, the funniest! May the Force be with you! Special thank you for all those who find some time to read this. Thank you for staying tuned.   
> I love Oliver Queen, I adore Oliver and Felicity as a couple. But this fic is more about Felicity. I am on her side. She is my hero. You are free not to like it.

 

They should have known better. They should have suspected something, noticed how this new mysterious adversary of theirs just disappeared. Vanished into thin air. As soon as she came back.

 

But he was too happy, too excited to finally see her again after all the time apart. Just being around her, breathing the same air as her was... intoxicating. He was drunk and high on her every minute, every second.

 

And she... Well, she was different. It's not only that she barely spoke with him or even spared him a glance. She was different with the others as well. Her new unusual style, devoid of any bright colour, which made it so ** _un-Felicity_**. The lack, or more the absence, of her wide and happy smiles, no sound of her laugh. No babbling. It was just too quiet. _**She**_ was quiet.

 

Was it really all him? Or was it whatever she had to go through when she was away? They didn't even know where she had been all that time. Who knew what happened to her and with her.

 

Everyone noticed the changes. She sensed the worry and the discomfort. In her own way she tried to show that she appreciated not being pushed into talking. She tried to carefully, one small step after another, open up. To everyone but him. The air between them was as loaded as before. Everyone sensed it, everyone saw it.

 

So, one day he simply cannot take it anymore. It is a strange thing that they are alone in the Foundry. John got a phone call a minute ago and disappeared somewhere in the far corner of their huge space. They are never alone these days, so he sees a chance and takes a leap of faith.

 

“ _We cannot keep ignoring a very obvious elephant in the room”_ he finally voices.

 

She turns away from her computers, spinning her chair to face him.

 

“ _And by elephant you mean the last one on the list of your failed relationships”_

 

He flinches at her wording.

 

She notices.

 

“ _I'm sorry for being blunt but the fact that the said relationship was with me doesn't make it any less... well, failed”_

 

_**Failed.**_ That's how she sees them. She never refers to them as _**them**_ these days, avoiding the actual words _**“we”, “us”, “you and me”**_ like plague.

 

But for him... they will always be _**them**_. And he is hers. Whether she wants him or not. This is the one thing he is absolutely sure of. He is hers. But he also wants her back. And maybe that's selfish. But he just misses her so much. And she...

 

He feels tired and defeated when he asks her, actually dreading the answer:

 

“ _Do you really hate me that much?”_

 

He doesn't know if it's his voice or the pure anguish that he feels and knows is mirrored on his face, but her expression softens, her eyes are warm and sympathetic, so is her voice when she answers:

 

“ _No. Of course, not. I could never hate you, Oliver”_

 

“ _But you won't forgive me either”_

 

“ _I already have, Oliver. You are forgiven. But... We cannot go back. We cannot make this better. Because the very thing that made us **us** doesn't exist anymore._

 

_You know, I never wanted you to change. Not for me, not for anyone else. I knew that there was this part of you... it's like cancer. The lying, the secrets keeping part that poisoned and destroyed so many of your relationships in the past. But I knew... I hoped that you just needed a person who you'd be comfortable with, comfortable enough to let go of this part of yourself. I thought you would let go willingly, without forcing any changes. I am not going to deny that I hoped.... I allowed myself to fantasize, to dream... that I was that person. Well, we all make mistakes. There was a price I had to pay for my arrogance”_

 

Her words cut him to his bones. He understands her logic, but all of this is not true. It is just him, his damaged soul and mind. It is his inability to build something instead of breaking... well, everything.

 

“ _I understand why you feel this way. And you are right. I admit that all I've done didn't come from the place of love... It was fear. I know I should have thought of it twenty times but I just couldn't... think... straight. Because I was so scared... I knew, of course, I knew that you would never reject William. But everything happened so fast. And I was completely overwhelmed and then Barry told me that you... you had left me. Of course, it was out of any context and he didn't know any details. I didn't think, I didn't process, I just knew I couldn't lose you. And I reacted. Then Darhk and the shooting happened. I had to really taste the possibility of living without you. This is the life I never want to live”_

 

They are both silent for a while.

 

He is the one to speak again.

 

“ _I don't care how long it takes. I don't care what I have to do or endure to earn your trust and your love again. But I want you to know that I will never stop. Fighting for you, loving you. I cannot tell the future, I don't know a lot of things, but I am sure of one thing – that you and me are forever. For me, it's forever”_

 

“ _Forever is a long time, Oliver”_ she whispers.

 

She's got a far-away look on her face and she is fidgetting with a chain on her neck. He's noticed she's doing it a lot. It's like some kind of a nervous tick.

 

When she snaps back to reality, she turns away from him, stands up from her chair and starts gathering her things. She picks up her jacket and her gymsack bag.

 

“ _Goodnight, Oliver. See you tomorrow”_

 

It's when she walks away from him – again – that he notices it. Slight limping. It's not exactly limping. More like an overall way she moves. Like her body is too heavy for her legs to carry.

 

He curses himself for not having noticed before. But again, she's become good at hiding things and she always seems fine...

 

But what he's just seen makes him frown. And uneasy, heavy feeling settles deep in his chest.

 

[Felicity's Outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/felicity_smoak/set?id=185378208)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: 
> 
> First of all: thank you for reading this story, for staying tuned and for showing interest! It definitely feeds the desire to carry on writing. 
> 
> I am also incredibly sorry for such a long break. Life happened. And there was also a bit of a writer's block.  
> Sorry for flimsy medical explanations. Hope, it's not too bad. I do not have medical education and even if I had I really didn't want to weight the story with medical facts.  
> I going to try and post the next chapter as soon as possible. 
> 
> The story is canon compliant up to the shooting. This chapter is about to shed the light on what happened to Felicity while she was gone. I really hope you enjoy it!

 

There is nothing more he can say. He's run out of apologizes and words in general. He knows words are not enough. He's said everything he wanted to say. All he can do now is give her space. And show her that he can be better by doing things differently. After all, actions always speak louder than words. He will be her friend. Yes, a friend. He can do this.

 

Things do seem a bit better after their talk. She no longer flinches when he is near her. He tries not to interfere with her personal space but, when he does come closer than it's appropriate in their current situation, she doesn't stiffen or shifts uncomfortably in her chair. She looks at him now when she speaks with him. She even meets his eyes. It's a win-win for him. He cannot stop mentally fist-pumping in the air. They are all baby steps but it's better than nothing.

 

The elusive Big Bad seems to having gone into hiding. But it doesn't bring any relief. It's worrying. People like him don't hide, they just bide their time. The longer they hide in the shadows the stronger is the blow they deliver.

 

So, when Felicity gets an alert about a suspicious activity in one of the abandon warehouses on the outskirts of the city, they move out extra armed with new devices that Felicity has developed for each member of the team. Much to his displeasure Felicity insisted on going with them but agreed to stay and monitor from the van.

 

He still feels uneasy when they leave her in the vehicle and enter a dark and empty building. It's gloom and moist inside. They separate to scale the place. He hears her soft voice coming from the comm link and blurts out without thinking:

 

“ _It's nice having you in my ear again”_

 

He stops dead in his tracks. He hears someone snort. So, the line is open.

 

“ _Hm... thanks, I guess”_ she answers slowly.

 

Then he hears Thea's voice:

 

“ _Felicity, I thought this kind of remarks were your thing”_

 

“ _Well, not anymore”_ she says calmly.

 

He closes his eyes at her words and takes a deep breath.

 

“ _Speedy, check the second level”_

 

He moves again. Not even a minute passes when he hears Thea gasp.

 

“ _Guys, I think you should come up and see this”_

 

He sprints over to the next level of the building. Dig and Roy are already there with Thea. They are all looking at the wall where he sees two words written in black paint: **THANK YOU.**

 

Something is very, very wrong. He feels his skin crawl.

 

“ _What the hell is that supposed to mean?”_ Roy voices what everyone is sure thinking.

 

“ _Guys, what's wrong? What's in there? You found something? Or someone?”_ Felicity starts frantically asking questions.

 

“ _Someone_ _has_ _left us a message”_ Thea answers.

 

“ _What kind of mes...”_ they never hear her end the sentence because there is a sudden and loud scream and the line goes dead on her side.

 

“ _ **FELICITY!”**_ it seems they roar her name all together.

 

And then they are running. He feels his throat close up in panic.

 

_**No-no-no.... Please, no.... Let her be okay...** _

 

If something happens to her, this time he will surely die. He knows it.

 

He is the first to reach the van. He notices that the back doors are open.

 

“ _Felicity!”_

 

He jumps inside and almost starts weeping in relief. She is there. He quickly sobers when he notices that she is not moving. The panic is back.

 

“ _Felicity! Hey! Can you hear me?”_

 

He checks her pulse. It's there. She's alive but seems unconscious. Then he notices that she is injured. There is a burn mark on her clothes. And her tech is gone. The rest of the team joins him asking questions over each other:

 

“ _How is she?”_

 

“ _Oh my god, is she okay?”_

 

“ _What's wrong with her?”_

 

“ _Why isn't she moving? Is she breathing?”_

 

He cuts them all off with:

 

“ _Dig, get behind the wheel, we need to get her back to the Foundry. She's injured”_

 

They all get in the van and Dig starts the car. Thea moves closer to Felicity when she sees that his hands are roaming in the air over her:

 

“ _I think it will be better if I check that burn”_

 

He shifts to sit on the opposite side giving Thea the room to check on Felicity.

 

There is a quiet shuffle of clothes. When Thea opens Felicity's jacket and slightly pulls away her shirt to peek at the injury, he hears her gasp.

 

“ _What is it? What's wrong?”_

 

His voice is high and panicky and he is at her side. But Thea quickly covers the wound and closes the lapels of Felicity's jacket.

 

“ _It's just the burn. A very nasty burn. Nothing life-threatening but I'm going to need to clean it once we get back and put some dressing on it”_

 

“ _Let me see”_

 

“ _Ollie, I don't think it's a good idea”_

 

“ _What? Why?”_

 

Thea gives him a look.

 

“ _She is fine, Ollie, I promise. And I think you understand perfectly well why you cannot peek under her shirt. Even for purely platonic and medical reasons”_

 

He opens his mouth to object but clicks it shut. What is there to say? Thea is right. He can no longer be that close to her, he's lost the privilege to touch her.

 

Before they even reach the Foundry Felicity starts coming around. He has to watch Dig carry her to the secret elevator with Thea in tail.

 

He and Roy linger a bit at the car, taking out the equipment.

 

When they come down to the Foundry, Dig is nowhere to be seen. And then he hears Roy's:

 

“ _What the hell?!”_

 

He jerks his head so fast that it feels like he's given himself a whiplash. He spots Thea and Felicity at the med bay, Felicity is sitting on a steel table, with her back facing them, clad only in her sports bra from the waist up. And then he sees the reason for Roy's shock. It's her back. There are three angry scars that look like exit wounds from something that must have been steel bars. They are perfectly round and red, only recently healed. But there more of them. Other scars. They seem to be surgical ones, slicing her skin near and along her spine. He then notices how changed her body is. It clearly looks broken and then put back together. It also looks stronger, with evident and well-developed muscles. Giving her choice of loose attire it never struck the eye. She knew what she was doing. She knew that he'd notice. Because no matter how far apart they are and how much time has passed since they were really, truly close, he knows her body by heart.

 

His perusal is interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. He snaps his eyes at Thea who's giving him a disapproving look:

 

“ _What, haven't you seen a girl in a bra before? Give the lady some privacy”_

 

He shifts his eyes to Felicity again and sees how tense she is. Her rigid back gives away her discomfort.

 

“ _Thea, can you and Roy give us a moment?”_ he asks before he can think it through.

 

Thea gapes at him like he's lost his mind and maybe he has, but he just needs to know.

 

“ _What? I don't think... “_

 

But she is interrupted by Felicity's quiet voice:

 

“ _It's okay, Thea. I'll talk to him”_

 

“ _Alone? Are you sure?”_

 

 _ **Ouch. That hurt.**_ Is his own sister afraid to leave Felicity alone with him? Does she really not trust him that much?

 

“ _Yes, Thea, I'm sure. It's going to be fine. It won't take long”_

 

Thea still seems hesitant when she cleans med supplies.

 

“ _I'll take Roy and we'll wait with Dig in Ollie's office. Call, if you need us”_

 

He cannot keep it inside, so he snaps:

 

“ _It's not like you're leaving her alone with a psychotic villian”_

 

Thea holds her hands up in surrender and gives him an apologetic look before leaving them alone.

 

He watches her pull a loose jumper over her head before turning to face him.

 

“ _Felicity... You don't owe me anything... I have no right to demand any answers or explanations from you. But I'm asking you... please... I need to know”_

 

She nods quietly and wraps her hands around her middle.

 

“ _When Darhk was defeated the victory came at a price. We lost her, Oliver. Laurel was gone and it hurt. So bad. And I was so angry. With Darhk. But he was already dead. I was mad at you. For lying, for being too late to save Laurel. I was angry with her. For dying. But most of all I was angry with myself. That rage, that burning desire for revenge... That was not me. So, I ran. I just took off driving. With no destination in mind. I was somewhere close to Mexican border when it happened. I had been on the road the whole night. I was really tired, so I hadn't noticed the truck that was moving before me. A guy was driving with steel bars at the back of his trunk. There was a railway line ahead of us. The gate was down and there was a train approaching. But the guy in the truck seemed to be having some trouble with the brakes. He couldn't stop. And I was so tired... I didn't react quickly enough, so when he did manage to stop, it was too sudden and I was too close. The bars had already been sticking out from the back doors, so when the car jerked, the doors couldn't hold the bars.... I'm not sure how many of them flew through my wind screen. I do know that three of them went through my body. One of them punctured my lung, the other barely missed my heart and the third... the third hit near my spinal cord. When paramedics and rescue team were trying to get me out of the car, the bar near my spine was shifted”_

 

She pauses for a moment to catch her breath. She is not looking at him. When she goes on with her story, she has a far-away look on her face:

 

“ _I remember waking up at hospital. They said I had been out for a few days. When I tried to move, to sit up... I couldn't. I was having a major freak out when they called for the doctor who had operated on me. He told me that the sudden movement had caused paralysis since the bar had hit some nerve endings and fractured several vertebrae”_

 

His feels his head spinning.

 

“ _But how?... You are.... you are fine. And... Why? Why didn't you tell us? Why you never called?”_

 

“ _Because I was **broken** , Oliver. I couldn't move. The last thing I needed was your pity”_

 

“ _I would never pity you. That's not what this is about! You are the strongest person that I know. But you should never have gone through it alone!”_

 

“ _That's the thing, Oliver. I wasn't alone. I was lucky to have met a person who helped me, who got me my legs back. The doctor who had operated on me... He made the impossible possible. I had been told that I would never walk again. But he... he had proved everyone wrong. The whole time I was away... It was brutal... He was brutal. The surgeries, the rehabilitation, all the physical training... It was my purgatory, Oliver. But I'm back on my feet again”_

 

She shrugs then, like it's not a big deal.

 

And he... he cannot believe that he has just heard. _**What?... How?... Why?...**_

 

“ _Did anyone else know about this? Dig, Thea, Roy? Your mom? Was I the only one you didn't want to know about this?”_

 

“ _No, they didn't know either. I never contacted anyone on the team. Or my mom”_

 

He closes his eyes and breathes through his nose. He nods.

 

“ _Thank you for telling me this now”_ he whispers.

 

Then he opens his eyes to look at her.

 

There is an ache in his chest. He feels it. The loss. He lost her in that accident. He wasn't with her when she had to live through her Island. He wasn't by her side every step of the way, he didn't witness the changes in her, he never encouraged or supported those changes. He didn't have the chance to accept this new, stronger version of her. And he suddenly understands with blinding clarity that he doesn't know her anymore.

 

[Felicity's Outfit - Before the burn incident ](http://www.polyvore.com/felicity_smoak/set?id=191199855)

[Felicity's Outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/felicity_smoak/set?id=187227442)

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: Hello those who are still with me! Thank you for showing interest, for finding some time to read this story. 
> 
> After Thea found out about William in tonight's episode I feel even more disgusted with this story line. The lie is absolutely unjustified. Now three people know about William (Barry, Malcolm, Thea) and Oliver knows they know. And let's not forget about Darhk. So the speech about doing the right thing and protecting William is a total bullshit. It seems like Oliver is protecting William from Felicity.  
> So, I'm angry and disappointed again. And now not only with Oliver. Felicity deserves better than this Queen family poison. 
> 
> Back to this story: there will be 2 more chapters apart from this one (10 chapters all together). This chapter will finally answer the question about the mysterious necklace that Felicity wears. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry if there are any mistakes. Unfortunately, English is still not my mother tongue. 
> 
> P.S. [1] The line is borrowed from another CW series – Nikita (3X01)

 

He knows he is hovering. He knows he is staring more than it is appropriate or comfortable. He is extra careful these days, watching her like a hawk, making sure she doesn't strain herself. He calls it a night earlier when he sees now noticeable tension in her neck and back after a long working day.

 

But she is still Felicity and of course all of that annoys her to no end. So, one day she finally snaps at him when he offers to bring her extra laptop so she doesn't have to leave her chair to go get it:

 

“ _What is it you think you are doing? You thought I wouldn't notice you tiptoeing around me? I really hate to break this to you, but I don't need any of this. I am not going to fall into pieces, my legs won't give out if I walk two meters to get a damn laptop! So, stop with this pity party already!”_

 

“ _It's not... it's not pity. I think... I just want... I need... to make up for not having been there for you. You had to go through all of that alone and I...”_

 

“ _And you don't need to do anything. You weren't there for me because you couldn't, Oliver. I left. **I** wasn't **here**. And you are not the only one who didn't know about this. I never said anything even to my mom. And I would like for it to stay this way”_

 

After this he backs off. He no longer offers his help every ten minutes, but cannot help following her every move discreetly and from a safe distance.

 

Everything seems calm the following weeks after her little outburst. Things are better not only between them but in the city as well. Until they are not.

 

The alarm at the Foundry goes off notifying a fire in one of the local buildings. The team moves out and soon gets a call from Felicity who is out for coffee with captain Lance.

 

“ _We are in a coffee shop across the street. I see the building that is on fire. Seems like it is a child care center. The police and fire team are already here”_

 

When their own team arrives at the scene the fire is raging. Firefighters are trying to tame the flame. There are still people inside. He almost gets a panic attack when he sees Felicity leaving the building with a young woman. She supports the woman, who is clearly injured, helping her walk.

 

“ _No need for you to be here._ _We got it_ _”_ he tells through the comm link that he knows she has on.

 

She notices him from a distance and nods. She leads the woman to the ambulance.

 

They make sure there is no one left in the building. The fire has spread too fast. It doesn't look like a random fire outbreak. The firefighters cannot tamp it down.

 

The team leaves just in time when supporting beams start crumbling.

 

This is when he notices her nervously clutching at her neck and chest. Then she sprints back into the building.

 

“ _FELICITY!!!!”_

 

_**Is she insane?! What the hell is going on?!!** _

 

“ _Felicity!!!! What are you doing??! The building is going to collapse any second!!!! Where are you going??!?_

 

He is running after her. She never stops, throwing her answer over her shoulder:

 

“ _To get my engagement ring!” [1]  
_

 

That makes him stop. It is like he is in a trance. He is still trying to make sense of what he has just heard when he finally snaps out of his stupor and flies into the building after her. But she is already on her way out, coughing and holding a chain in her hand. He sees a shiny ring dangling on it.

 

Confusion doesn't even begin to cover what he is feeling. All the way back to the Foundry is a complete blur.

 

When they finally arrive it is Felicity who asks the rest of the team to give them a moment.

 

He stares dumbly at the ring that she no longer hides. It is not their ring. She gave it back on what was one of the worst days in his life.

 

That has been his quiet dream, his secret heaven. He has allowed himself this fantasy where she looks at him the way she did before, where she truly forgives him and lets him in again. In this fantasy of his he has the biggest privilege of all – calling himself _**her husband**_.

 

And now there is someone else who will call her _**wife**_ , someone else gets to spend the rest of his life with her.

 

“ _Who is he?”_ he doesn't really know why he asks this. But he needs the answer.

 

“ _Does it matter? It's not like you know him”_

 

“ _Just... Can you... just tell me about him? His name. What he does for a living. What he is like”_

 

_**Why him** _

 

“ _Oliver... I don't... I don't think it is a good idea”_

 

“ _ **Please”**_

 

She gives in.

 

“ _He is a doctor. The one who got me back on my feet. He gave me back my life. He saved me”_

 

“ _What's his name?”_

 

“ _Mark”_

 

“ _Does he love you?”_

 

“ _He doesn't make me cry”_

 

“ _And it's enough for you?”_

 

“ _Yes. Because not making me cry means telling me the truth, even when it's hard and ugly. And he is brutally honest with me. Has been from the very first moment”_

 

He has been beaten, cut, whipped, run through with a sword, electrocuted, shot with arrows... but none of the physical and psychological torture he's been through prepared him for this kind of pain and despair. She might have said that she has forgiven him, but he knows now that she hasn't. She never will.

 

He swallows hard before asking:

 

“ _Is it some kind of punishment?”_

 

She furrows her brows in confusion.

 

“ _Punishment? I'm not trying to punish you, Oliver. I'm trying to move on with my life. You have a family. All I want is to build one for myself too”_

 

That's all the answer he needs to hear.

 

“ _But that doesn't mean I don't care about you, Oliver. That doesn't mean I want you out of my life”_

 

His eyes snap to her green ones. And a treacherous hope stirs painfully in his chest.

 

“ _Despite everything that happened between us you are still important to me. And... I missed you. I missed everyone. And everything. Saving people, make a difference”_

 

He nods silently, not trusting his voice.

 

“ _I was selfish”_ she says suddenly

 

Now it's his turn to look at her with confusion.

 

“ _I was so... angry at you, so absorbed in this hurt that I never told you how proud of you I am. For choosing your son”_

 

_**I never wanted to choose. I never chose him over you. How could I choose? Can you choose which arm you need more?** _

 

He doesn't voice any of this though.

 

“ _Will you stay? When it's over?”_ he asks instead

 

“ _I don't know. It's hard... being around you. And now that I have a chance to be happy...”_

 

“ _You should take it. That's all I've ever wanted for you – to be happy. Even if it's not with me”_

 

She gives him a sad smile. She takes a step closer to him and then does something he never saw coming – she hugs him.

 

She's changed. Everything's changed. But her hugs are the same. And, when he relaxes into her embrace and buries his face into her now dark hair, her smell hits his senses. It's _**her**_ smell. And that's another thing that is still the same, still unchanged ans still makes her _**his Felicity.**_

 

_[Felicity's Outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/felicity_smoak/set?id=186002381) _

_[The Ring](http://international.tiffany.com/engagement/rings/tiffany-harmony-1853) _

 

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine. Sorry if there are any. But I'm destroyed. Thank you Arrow writers.


End file.
